Beautiful Abyss
by DarkenedWispers
Summary: As Mystics Falls' favorite dysfunctional 'Family' continues to fall apart, a certain blond is about to face her own unique journey alone. A personal battle of choices between, Control & Instinct, Morals & survival, and What you think you should want vs What you need with every fiber of your being.
1. Intro

**Now I've had this idea swirling about in my brain for a while now and decided I was going to ATTEMPT to turn it into a story, no idea how well I'm going to do at this, but hey, here's to trying ^_^**

**WARNING: Knowing me, (If I am successful) this will probably get pretty dark and definitely smutty, so if you prefer to keep your paws off triggers, like depression, suicide and self harm, probably best to turn back now. If it doesn't progress that way, (or at all) I'll remove this, but until then, step carefully my darlings.**

**HAPPY KLAROWEEK!**

* * *

"Now I'll take the blame, so forget my name.

Just close the blinds, so I can come down.

I'm naked and shamed, moth to the flame.

Just take my hand

So we can both drown.

The same sweet game, your halo is aflame

Feel my heart race

And breathe a sad sigh

Let me wash away, and let go of the pain

Just look away, and turn a blind eye

I'll never believe in you again,

I'll never forgive those things you said

My only relief is gone and dead

I'll never forsake myself again

So hold me down

If I feed I'm stronger

I don't feel no longer"

Life had turned into a self-conscious teenager's gym class.

Not to be enjoyed, just endured.

And For someone who had spent so long naturally optimistic, experiencing the opposite side of the coin was a foreign agony so unfamiliar and endless, she praised herself for remaining oblivious for so long.

She couldn't remember what it was like to take a breath and feel anything but an aching emptiness in her chest.

There was no satisfaction,

No relief.

Just pain.

She couldn't remember what it was like to have a purpose worth leaving this room. Couldn't remember the trick to sustaining her 'delusional optimism'.

Lately, she couldn't even understand her own head.

But she knew, the last thing she needed, was to have her... _unsavory_ state aired around town like everyone else's inadequacies.

Never let it be said, that you'll find peace in small towns.

So taking a deep breath, that delivered nothing but shards of glass, she plastered on a smile and forced herself too, however aimlessly, leave the freedom and the safety only her room offered.

"Liar" Her mind whispered. "He offered it."

She shut that thought down with every ounce of control she possessed. The past didn't matter. _He _didn't matter. Not now. Not anymore.

No. If she was going to survive whatever was going on in her head, she'd have to rely on herself, on her own strength, her own willpower.

The trouble was, even Miss Caroline Forbes couldn't convince herself she had the will to survive it.

* * *

As Caroline headed for the Salvatore boarding house, she pondered the changes that had taken place in her life since becoming a vampire.

So much death and pain.

So many people had come into their lives only to be lost shortly thereafter. Most lasted a few months, a lucky few survived years, but it seemed life in mystic falls was just destined to be short and painful. Whether by choice, force or death, every one left eventually.

Though for Caroline it seemed like she couldn't escape it, couldn't even go a full semester at college before being dragged back.

The loss of Bonnie and Damon had, as expected, done the most damage. Elena had become a zombie, you could barely get two words out of her and that was on a good day. Stefan, while still sane, tended to fly into rages at the slightest provocation. Like when he ran out of whiskey. Or bourbon. Or blood.C aroline attributed his intact sanity to the fact that he had a high tendency to be forced to suffer the insufferable.

But the fact remained neither of these two were the people they used to be.

Caroline was the sole voice of reason and comfort, and while she did her best, her best seemed to have little to no effect. Alaric tried to help, but his time on the other side had left him a little lapse in social skills. He seemed to forget that if he talked, people would hear him. So his sympathy and pain were displayed in emotional stares and glance.

This added strain was the cause of her new emotional state. She knew that. Knew that she had not let herself mourn Bonnie's _second_ passing. Or Damon's. Despite all that had happened between her and Damon, they had become... friends. Family, even. Because that was how they all functioned together, "a dysfunctional family" is the best description there is for their group. Or at least it had been. Now it was more comparable to an emptying asylum.

But none of this really mattered. Caroline was nothing, if not loyal and loving and she would hold them up for as long as her own emotional strength and endurance would allow. Whether that would be weeks, months, years or hours remained to be seen.

The very real concern was what would happen when she fell.

* * *

"There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds."  
― Laurell K. Hamilton


	2. Chapter 1

**Yay! I did an actual chapter :P warning still applies, but i hope you enjoy ❤**

"Who do you need,  
Who do you love,  
When you come undone."

Elena was standing in front of one of the larger windows of the boarding house, staring out so intently you'd think clue's to the origins of the universe were beyond it. It was a position she had taken soon after Damon's death and she didn't seem to leave it but to feed and sleep.

To Caroline it seemed as if she was waiting. Waiting for Damon to come back to her. Elena had retreated so far into her own head, it was as if logic no longer existed. Caroline wasn't even sure whether the knowledge of Bonnie's death had permeated her head before the near catatonic state had ensued. And she wasn't prepared to push it and find out. Lord knows things were hard enough with Elena in her current state, let alone if she lost what sanity remained. Or, hell, if she turned off her humanity again. Her past experience had, apparently, scared her off enough that she seemed to be avoiding going there again for the moment. Or perhaps she had just sunk so deep into herself the thought simply hadn't occurred to her.

Stefan watched her from the couch, alcohol in hand. He was silent, and stared as intently as she did, wanting to comfort her. Caroline knew, despite all his attempts to get over her, he'd probably always love Elena. However, it did not make comforting the woman who had left you for your now dead brother, easy. And that was without considering his own guilt and grief.

Caroline stored the blood she had brought in the fridge, before making her way across the room too Elena. When she saw the blood on her face she forced herself to take a deep breath, keeping a tight rein on any emotional outbursts that wanted to make themselves known. A lecture wasn't going to do anyone any good right now. Fetching a damp cloth she began to wipe Elena's face clean "Do I need to do any damage control?" She asked Elena softly. No response. Her eyes didn't so much as stray from the window. Caroline closed her eyes briefly, before turning to Stefan. "Can you provide any insight into her dinner?" Okay that came out a bit bitchier than she intended, but hey, they weren't the only ones suffering.

Stefan averted his eyes from Elena's still form, briefly meeting Caroline's eyes,

"Damon's room."

* * *

Caroline looked down at the body sprawled unceremoniously on the floor. Laura Maxwell had been reasonably new in town. Caroline had only talked to her a couple of times while she had been working, waitressing at the grill. She was an aspiring musician, but hadn't made it through college. She had two little sisters and her mother had died when she was 12.

Grief seemed to tear at Caroline's very soul, threatening what used to be an iron grasp of control. It wasn't that she and Laura had been close. They hadn't. It was what she represented. It was the thought of those little girls who would never know what happened to their big sister. The thought of all the relatives of every person lost to this town. Some, by her own hand. None of them would ever know what had become of their loved ones.

Caroline gritted her teeth against the violent cacophony of emotions. Slowly and painfully rebuilding her walls of optimism and control, before picking up the most recent lost one.

* * *

Once Caroline finished filling the 6ft hole that would now serve as Laura's eternal home. She sat on a near by branch and pulled out her phone to call matt "Hey Care, what's up?" he answered after the second ring.

"Hey, just wanted to see where you were up to with the supplies?"

"Yeah, it's all a go, got everything we need. I mean it's nothing too fancy, But it'll do the job."

Caroline let out a breath. "Awesome, did you talk to your boss about having it at the grill?"

"Yeah he said that's fine, but it will have to be in the next couple of days, because he's pretty busy with the winter holidays. But he was pretty tight with Bonnie's family so he'll do his best to fit us in too our preference. I told him I'd have to talk to you or your mum before giving a definite answer. Speaking of your mum, Has she come up with a cover story for Alaric?"

"Yeah. The majority of the town were unaware he was dead, most just thought he'd left. Got sick of the small town or whatever. But a few had heard rumours that he was dead, people who weren't privy to the supernatural side of things. So with a little of my compulsion on her side, she's come up with paperwork confirming a car accident two years ago that left one in a coma and another dead."

"Well I suppose that works. Would explain why some people thought he was dead, and how he's back. Assuming he was the 'coma patient'."

"Yeap."

"hah, clever. Hey, what's your plan where Stefan and Elena are concerned? I know you didn't want to have this memorial at their house because you didn't know what they might do."

"Yeah, I don't know. I guess I'll just tell them when it is, and offer them a ride. I can't force them."

There was a brief silence on the line before,

"You're a good friend Care, and they're lucky to have you. We all are. But If you keep holding them together, how are they ever going to learn to do it themselves. "

Caroline, surprised at his remark, had no response.

"So when do you want to book the grill for?" Matt spoke as if nothing had happened.

"Uh, as soon as possible I guess. I'd really like to get it out of the way."

"Is Tomorrow afternoon too soon?"

"No, that'll work."

"Okay, I'll set it up. See you tomorrow."

By the time Caroline got home, the effort of controlling her emotions for so long, not to mention the emotion themselves, had her nauseous and clumsy. She felt like an over stretched rubber band. Like any second, she would lose her grip and snap. She had to close her eyes and mutter a silent prayer to God when she saw her mum coming out as she approached the door.

"Caroline, I thought you'd be with Stefan and Elena all day."

"Oh," She tried clearing the lump in her throat. "No, I think some space will do them good."

Sheriff Forbes nodded. "You're probably right. Besides, surely than can take care of each other. Anyway, I've just got to pop back to the station and fill out some paperwork, but I should be back in an hour. Want me to pick up some dinner?"

"No, I can cook." Caroline managed to reply steadily; though her fists were clenched so tight she scented her own blood.

"Okay, thanks. I won't be long"

Caroline watched her mum get into her car and waved as she pulled out of the driveway, before heading inside.

* * *

As she shut her bedroom door behind her, Caroline sunk to the ground and pulled her knee's to her chest . She let her head drop back against the wall, every inch of her shaking like a leaf. She was an extrovert. Everyone who knew her knew that. But for the first time she fully appreciated the safety and solace to be found in solitude.

The tears that fell were silent, despite her trembling body. Her sobs held in by sheer force of will.

Caroline wanted to scream with frustrated agony when her phone rang. All she needed was 5, maybe 10, minutes to rebuild her stability and control. But even that seemed to be asking too much.

Hands shaking, She pulled out her phone as it rang, seeing the unknown number she figured it was Matt calling from work. She let out a quivering breath and answered. "Yeah?" her voice wasn't half as steady as she would have liked, but hey, at least he wouldn't be able to see her red eyes or tear stained cheeks. For a moment there was no response. Then, "What's the matter, love?"

Caroline froze in the middle of wiping away the evidence of her tears. One sentence and she was ready to fall apart all over again. "Klaus" she murmured, trying to sound like she wasn't on the slippery slope to crazy land.

She was oh so tempted to just hang up when, despite her efforts, it came out a broken whisper.

When she said nothing more than his name, Klaus spoke again, with more urgency in his tone.

"What's going on, sweetheart?"

Caroline couldn't breathe. It was like the muscles that allowed her to control her lungs had taken a vacation. The more she panicked, because she really didn't need him knowing just how weak she was right now, the more her lungs tried to imitate concrete.

"Caroline. What. Happened." Angry now, she realized distantly. Of course he'd be angry.

"I.." She blurted jerkily, having no idea what she was going too say. Not that it mattered, for that single word out of her mouth set her lungs in motion, So loudly and rapidly, that you would think that she'd just run a marathon. She was vaguely aware of Klaus' continued attempts to get through to her, but the second she realized this was some kind of panic attack, she hung up the phone.

* * *

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."  
― Rose Kennedy


End file.
